| *sigh* |
[14 Jul 2008|10:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 busy |
] |
I haven't posted on here or on fanfiction.net in forever, for the same reasons I have already mentioned so many times. I'm sure most everyone has lost interest in "Whispered Screams" already, but nonetheless, I haven't quit working on it. I refuse to. I'll finish that story, some day.
Anyhow, I noticed that the link to Chapter 21 - Extra from my previous entry was no longer working, so I re-uploaded it to a different server.
http://snowcherry.110mb.com/chapter_21.html
Please let me know if you notice that this is no longer functioning. You know, the one account I probably keep up the best with is my Myspace account. Feel free to say hello there, if you'd like :)
http://www.myspace.com/angryangel2063
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| Alas... |
[20 Oct 2007|09:13pm] |
It's been so long, I don't even remember how to write anything anymore, haha. Work has kept me so busy, private life hasn't been much better... I work on WS off and on, but it's difficult, I will admit. No, I won't be dropping it, but it will take a while to be completed. Shockingly enough, it's already been three years since I started it, I believe. I wish I had more time and inspiration to dedicate to fanfiction right now, but I really don't. Need to get my bills paid, which is most important to me right now. I am so sorry :(
Also, I am aware that erytheia.com is down. I have not renewed my contract for the domain because I was planning on getting a new one. That, too, takes more time than I have available right now. I will, however, upload the "hidden" chapter someplace temporary, so it will at least be available for reading.
!!! This is the new, working link to Whispered Screams' Chapter 21 - Extra !!!
http://snowcherry.ofingo.com/ws_21_extra_temp.html
Please let me know if it happens to go down! Thank you :)
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| WTB: Mansecks! |
[16 Aug 2007|11:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 chipper |
] |
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music |
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Two Towers Soundtrack |
] |
Weee, long time no post! Uhm, my life really isn't that exciting, I've just been busy. Moved into the new apartment, which I luuuuuurv... got a new car... boyfriend (the one from my last journal entry) although he's in Iraq now until November... doing some job changes... signed my divorce papers lolz... and I read Harry Potter, finally XD I was gonna hold off a little longer, but I got too scared I would run across spoilers on accident.
Anyone read it yet (durh, anyone who DIDN'T?)? Any thoughts? I really liked it, it seemed shorter than the other books though, dunno why.
I didn't really write anything over the past two months, so I'm really behind. I'll catch up on it ASAP. With the boyfriend gone, I should have plenty of time. My thumb is infected right and in a sling-a-majingy now, so I can't type super-well. With zee meds it should be better in a couple of days.
Oh, and it's me birthday tomorrow :D
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| Want healing yaoi buttsex! |
[15 Jun 2007|11:33am] |
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mood |
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chipper |
] |
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music |
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"Better Than Me" ~ Hinder |
] |
My search for a place is going pretty good. I am probably going to move in with these two people, a guy and a girl, until I've saved up some money to buy enough furniture and stuff for my own apartment. I think I'll be moving by like Tuesday. Not too bad. It'll be kinda weird and like being back in college 'cause I'll only have like one room to myself, but thats okay. It'll be nice to just be around people and not your freak husband.
What's funny, too... I went to lunch with this guy yesterday purely to talk about potentially becoming roommates, but man... he is CUTE XD He looks kinda like Vin Diesel, but prettier. If that makes sense, ya know... Vin Diesel is hot, but not really "pretty". LOL XD He took me to lunch, took me to the mall just to walk around (what straight man does that?? None I ever dated) and then took me to Cold Stone Creamery (ice cream homg lol). It was fun. For whatever it may be worth, it was very distracting, and in a good way.
About 10 mins after we said goodbye and he said he'd call me about hanging out again, I sent him a txt msg saying I had fun. He calls me right after I sent it, but I had my phone muted so I didn't see it until about a minute or so later. Then I call, and he tells me that he was writing ME a message when he got mine, then he tried to call me, and that he was working on another message when I called him back. Anyway, he asked me out to lunch again for today :x My weak ass said yes.
I'm sure it'll be entertaining.
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| Forever, huh? Yeah right. |
[11 Jun 2007|12:55pm] |
I know I've been slacking on WS and LJ updates lately. I got a new job, which I love doing, but it keeps me pretty busy. On top of that, my marriage is - since Sunday - absolutely done for. Most of you who have been reading my LJ for a little while are probably familiar with my marital situation. It's been bad for months, but when I came home from working night shift on Sunday, cuddled up to him in bed that morning, we're being all lovey-dovey and I get up a couple hours later to find him making dating profiles online, I knew this was never going to work out. Anyway, I am looking for a new place to stay right now. Problem is I will be taking three cats and a dog, I don't really make a whole lot of money, I've never lived on my own in the US, none of my family are here, I'd like to go back to Germany but the job market there is horrid... ack, there is a whole slew of issues, really.
Ooops. One of my potential roommates just called and asked me to come check out the place, so I'm gonna go do that. I may post more later :3
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| WS Chapter 22 |
[06 Apr 2007|07:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Not Me, Not I - Delta Goodrem |
] |
I updated WS on fanfiction.net and my website. The version on my homepage is a little more complete since I had to remove shit for ff.net. Damn them ho's XD If anyone wants a copy of the lullaby mp3, let me know.
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| Shrink ahoy! |
[20 Mar 2007|12:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 surprised |
] |
I saw a shrink today... for marriage counseling, but it was a single session (just me, not my husband). It was an interesting experience, that's all I can really say right now... >____
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| I'll be damned. |
[12 Feb 2007|11:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 naughty |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Do What You Have To Do" Sarah McLachlan |
] |
Okay, so... I totally forgot about this, but when I was in Germany, all the little fangirls went weeee over this German band called "Tokio Hotel." Anyone ever heard of them? I came across some pictures of the lead singer today, and "his" name is Bill and I'll be damned to hell and back if that is actually a male.
http://entertainment.webshots.com/album/554531872BVvayK?start=0
I'm all for the androgynous pretty boys and what not... but this is not even right. I need to see some explicites to believe this shit o__0 I feel like a lesbian just for looking at "him"... "it"... oh, gender confusion, how I love thee >.< I'm so lost.
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| So random XD |
[15 Jan 2007|01:55pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
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music |
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Shinedown - "In Memory" |
] |
I had to share this... you wouldn't believe what google comes up with when you search for "funny lord of the rings", but this thing is brilliant:
http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_71-2602-Lord-of-the-Rings-The-Secret-Diaries.html
The Secret Lord of the Rings Diaries... need I say more? XD I certainly laughed my ass off. It's long - took me like three different sessions to read it all - but so worth it.
WS is coming along good. It's one of those, uh, moody chapters, you know? That you need to be in the right mood for? Anyway, it's going well :3
I heart you all <3
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| Everything |
[27 Dec 2006|12:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Eric's Song" - Vienna Teng |
] |
What can I say... I suppose I should start with "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year", although one is terribly late and the other a bit too early. In any case, I'm sorry for being in hiding for so long, and I hope everyone had fun over the holidays.
I moved. Not to Germany, as I had thought, but to Fayetteville, North Carolina. I'm still married... my husband and I are here together, whether that's a good thing or not, I have yet to decide. Things have been... 'awkward', for a lack of a better term. I don't trust him, and he's not really trying to get my trust back, either.
It's a strange situation, really... I did end up going to Germany for 2 weeks, and it was great. I love my family, and it was soooo good to see them. Talk about a therapeutic experience and what not ^__^ Family's worth more than anything to me. I talked a lot about what was going on back here in the states, and everyone basically adviced me to leave the husband and come back (go figure :>). I don't blame them. I felt the same way. I didn't wanna come back.
The husband had a change of heart halfway through my stay and decided he loved me more than he thought and wanted to stay married. Remember what they say about "you don't know what you got till it's gone"? He's the prime example, always has been. It's so predictable, it's just sad.
To make a long story short, I decided to give us another chance. It was one of those decision that don't make sense and don't really feel right, but you make them anyway because you're not quite ready to let go. Quite honestly, I don't think anything is going to change. I lost that belief a long time ago. He's already calling women behind my back again... claiming they're old friends, other guys' wives... whatever. He called this woman 14 times on one day, talking for over three hours altogether... always when I wasn't around, and he never mentioned a word about it. What honest man does that? I've confronted him about it several times, he claims she's just a friend... so I asked to meet her, and he refused. Go figure. When he talked to her after, he claimed it was only to tell her I wanted to meet her, and that we'd meet once he's back from his trip to Colorado (where he is right now). We'll see, I guess.
Have you ever felt like this before? Knowing you're putting effort into something that's hopeless anyway, only because you don't wanna give up, or because you're not ready to be all on your own? Why is it people do this? Because they're stubborn? I know I am. Of course there's love and all that, but I've started to build defenses I never thought I would, just because I know I'm gonna get hurt again and I don't want it to sting so fucking much. It's scary, because if things do fall apart, I wonder if I'll ever trust a guy again. Funny how one relationship can ruin your faith in mankind.
Seeing how I'm getting all emo and stuff and these entries are getting WAY too fucking long, I might as well write or something. I really wanna know what ya'all have been up to. And let it be known that I could never put into words how much I adore you for all your support and encouragement on my last LJ entry. I feel so damn grateful for it, it hurts. Just thinking about it makes me tear up.
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| It's over. |
[14 Nov 2006|05:34pm] |
My husband and I are getting a divorce. He told me on Sunday. At first, I wanted to change his mind, but I no longer do. Before he even told me, he went and made all these online singles profiles to meet new chicks... and guess what, one of them called our house today... they've been talking on the phone whenever I wasn't around. He called her from our fucking home phone when I bought dinner on Monday, and I guess she has caller ID and wrote down the number.
Like... you have got to be shitting me.
Maybe it's a good thing, because it showed me how different him and I really are. There was a part of him that was perfect, the perfect fairytale man - caring, loving, selfless, strong, dependable - a side of him that I adored, but he also has that ugly side to him that I couldn't possibly live with. I believe that people can change, but not him, and not like that.
Did I mention that when I got angry about him showing so little respect to me, he got into my face and yelled at me, about how he can make life so horrible for me and yadda yadda? So I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "You can't scare me." And he answers "Oh, I can't? I know where your whole family lives."
It says so much about who he really is. I don't think he changed over the course of our marriage... I think I just begun to see him for what he truly is. A good high school friend of mine, who never liked my husband, called me when he found out and he told me something I found very wise... "At the beginning of a relationship, you see people as you want to see them. Then, you begin to see things that bother you, but you believe you can change them. Eventually, you realize that some things simply cannot be changed, and you kind of surrender to them, continuing to hope that things will miraculously change. Then, some day, when even your hope dies, you understand that being married isn't about winning or losing. It's about being happy, and hopeful, and loyal, and in love. With all that gone, what the hell do you have left to hold on to? Just some false image of a person you once thought was everything you ever wanted. You deserve so much more than that."
It was a lot... and I don't remember word for word... but it made me feel at peace. In fact, everything you guys told me after my last post made me feel very glad, and I am so thankful for your kind words. I can't even describe how much it means to me.
I don't know what will happen now. I am going to Germany for two weeks on Thursday, after that... I don't know. Once my pets are prepped for the flight with vaccines and stuff, I will probably return to my home country.
I'll let you know :)
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| I am so tired of this... |
[10 Nov 2006|08:54pm] |
Most of you who have known me for a while are aware that my husband and I have been having problems for a few months now... or a few years, more like it. In fact, ever since we got married in January of 2004, only a couple months manage to streak by at a time without my husband having his what I call "marriage jitters." When those happen, he yanks up any old issue we ever had, anything I ever did wrong... and he tells me such things as "I don't think we ever should've gotten married", "I don't think I'm cut out for marriage", "this isn't going anywhere" and other stuff which I won't even get into.
I am so tired of it. It feels like watching a tree grow, only to chop it down again every couple of months. It hurts so goddamn much. I've reached a point where I'm tired of defending myself, tired of fighting for a marriage that apparently isn't sacred to anyone but me. He lied to me. He cheated on me. I gave up everything I had to be with him, moved thousands of miles away from my family and friends... for what? This?
I must have been so blind.
I'm writing this, because really, I have nobody to talk to. I don't know anyone here in Colorado well enough to complain about my failing marriage, and I don't want to call home to Germany, because I'd only worry everyone. I can't do anything but watch my life crashing down all around me, cry and pretend it doesn't hurt as much as it does. I'm not asking for comfort or pity, because I know this has happened to many people before me. I just want to understand, and maybe find a piece of me that can decide what to do, and whether I have anything at all left worth fighting for.
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| Urgh. |
[06 Nov 2006|11:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sick |
] |
I got my stuff cut on today >__< It went well, but man... it is sore ;___; The army hospitals here give you these really strong pain medications... I think mine's called Percozet, and I feel like I'm high o___o At least I imagine this is what HIGH must feel like, ugh. Sooo dizzy lol. I never take pain meds, only aspirin occasionally... my body's like, wtf woman.
Ugh. Can't sleep x___x
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| ++ Chapter 21: EXTRA ++ |
[02 Nov 2006|11:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Diary of Jane" - Breaking Benjamin |
] |
Alright, here's the deal with the "Whispered Screams" Extra to chapter 21 that I've been talking about. You won't find it on www.fanfiction.net. Why? Because it's a LEMON - as in, there's descriptive sex and some other stuff that I just know ff.net would LOVE to delete my story for. Therefore, the extra will be posted on my website and my website ONLY.
Now... like I said... the extra is not for the faint of heart. If non-con (rape) and self-abuse (ever wonder how Squally-boy got those scars? here's how.) aren't your cup of tea, don't feel like you need to read this. The story will still make sense even if you don't read it.
Don't feel like missing out on it? Fair enough. Just remember what I said and don't come crying to me going OMGZ j00 scarred teh meh for teh life. Not gonna work that way.
Here is the link for the chapter... http://www.erytheia.com. Click on "Writing", then select "Chapter 21 - Extra" from the list on the left.
Now, you will need a USERNAME and a PASSWORD to get in. I will give this to you, but by using that info, you agree that you KNOW what you're getting yourself into. If you don't know what non-con/rape/self-abuse are, by all gods, ask me or freaking google it >___< Yes, it's descriptive, no, it's not pretty. Again, if you're not sure you wanna read it - just don't.
Oh yeah - it's my first lemon, so don't expect anything glorious ;D
Comments are - as always - appreciated, whether here, on my website or on ff.net (you don't need to be a livejournal member to comment on this, by the way).
Here goes nothing.
USERNAME: Squall
PASSWORD: Griever
|| EDIT ||
By the way, about the music... I listened to a lot of sad songs while I wrote that chapter (to kind of get me in the right mood >_<), and "The Princess Pleads for Wallace's Life" was one of them. It was the most subdued one, so I figured I'd embed it for anyone interested. It's like 4MB though, so if you're on a slow connection, you may wanna read the non-music version :)
Feh. I got some questions about which other songs I listened to... here's a small list:
"Lamentation" - Yuki Kajiura, Xenosaga II Soundtrack (I love this song... it makes me cry. I listened to this one the most but figured it might be too distracting to some.)
"Light" - Hans Zimmer, Thin Red Line Soundtrack (This one is pretty... it's very subdued, too. There is one part towards the end that always tugs on my heartstrings, man.)
"A Gift of a Thistle" - James Horner, Braveheart Soundtrack (If you've ever watched Braveheart, you might recognize this one.)
"Sadame/Destiny - Piano" - X TV Soundtrack (X TV has the best damned soundtrack ever made, I swear. Sadame and Last Battle rock my world ^__^)
"Bittersweet" - Apocalyptica w/ HIM and The Rasmus (This is like the only song with lyrics I listened to... I find them distracting at times. This one is fucking gorgeous.)
"To Zanarkand - Piano" - Final Fantasy X Soundtrack (I won't even explain this one ;__;).
"Ascension of the Spirit" - Evanescence (This is THE Squall-cutting-himself song... for me, anyway... god, it gave me the creeps.)
Need I mention that I'm a soundtrack geek ;___;
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| *stares at her chest* |
[02 Nov 2006|05:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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"For Real" Saiyuki |
] |
No, it's not that big. Really. It's actually kinda small ^__^' But THOSE aren't the reasons I'm looking at it, anyway. They (the doctor people) hooked me on this heartrate monitor today... with all these little electrodes that are taped onto my chest. It SUCKS. I have to wear it for 24 hours *grumbles* They did an echocardiogram today also, and I guess my heart throws in all these extra beats, which it isn't supposed to do. I could see my heart on the ultrasound, it was pretty darn cool ^-^ They said that nothing is structurally wrong with it, all the valves and stuffs are fine - which is good - but they don't know whats causing these beats, and they're worried >__< My husband was in the room with me during the echo, he looked at me like I was about to keel over and die, lol. Poor guy. I'm really not even feeling bad or anything.
As for the lump thingy... they're taking it out on Monday. As in, cutting it out of my freaking boob. Joy of all joys. At least the surgeon is hot ^___________^ Gotta look at the bright side, eh XD
Yeah... just a little health update thingy for those who care ;p My mom is like wigging out in Germany. I miss her ;___; Hopefully I get to go home this Christmas.
Oh yes.
AND I DON'T WANNA MOVE GODDAMMIT *growls*
Sigh.
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| *drool* |
[06 Oct 2006|08:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Like You" - Evanescence |
] |
Has anyone seen the trailer for "Eragon"?
http://movies.aol.com/movie-trailer-clip/eragon-ed-speleers-jeremy-irons
I so want to see that movie... because Garrett Hedlund is a hot son of a biatch ^______________^ In case you don't know who I'm talking about... the dark kid with the bow, not the blond kid. Garrett is <3 He was Petrokles in "Troy" and the youngest kid in "4 Brothers". The dude is smex.
Excuse my fangirling XD
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| So... I went to the doctor today... |
[05 Oct 2006|04:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Cutthroat Island" |
] |
I'm not so sure if I really want to be writing about this, but it's bothering me and writing usually helps get stuff of my chest (erh... literally...). I went to the clinic today for my annual "well women" checkup, blabla, lots of fun *sneer* And... what do you know... the doc found something funny in my right boobeh >__< I'd kind of felt something there before but shrugged it off, because I tend to get paranoid over stuff like that, and it usually turns out to be nothing. Well... I don't know what it is, and neither did she, so I'm going to get an ultrasound done to get it checked out. I'm so not looking forward to it. Frankly, it scares the piss outta me, but I'm trying to put up a brave face here :p
On top of that, it looks like I have some sort of heart issue. On one of my ambulance rides as an EMT, the paramedic did an EKG on me, just for fun, and it looked pretty fucked up ^__^;; So I showed it to my doc and she wants to check that issue out tomorrow. Dude, I'm like falling to shambles here *sighs*. Jeez. I'll be alright, it just feels like a lot right now. I'm sorry if I'm rambling here, I'm just feeling a lil overwhelmed right now >__<
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| Sleepies... |
[05 Oct 2006|01:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
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giggly |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Finale" - Hotel Rwanda Soundtrack |
] |
Whoa, it's past 1am. Not sure why I'm updating this ^.^; I've been working on revamping my website for the past few hours, because as I was writing over the last few days I realized that half of WS' Chapter 21 won't be posted on fanfiction.net, so I needed a different outlet. Livejournal is a no-go since cuts can only be so long (hell, I had to post Erytheia in 3 seperate entries... fuck that). Anyway, I posted all WS chapters in their original form (with the lyrics that fanfiction.net forbids XD teehee) on my site and will continue to post all future chapters there. I'll also update them on fanfiction.net, but we're starting to hit the rated R/X realm at last, sooo... you won't be able to read those chapters on ff.net. Sorry ;__; I'm not sure if I'll make appropriate versions for ff.net or not, but I seriously doubt it. It'd be way too much trouble. So, I'm just kinda starting to prepare you guys for what's coming ^__^
*stares at her word document*
Hooh boy *gulp* This is gonna be weird XD
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| Oh, god. |
[11 Sep 2006|05:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Seize the Day" - Avenged Sevenfold |
] |
Some of you may have seen my post on my fanfiction account, but I wanted to put it here as well - I hadn't realized how long it's been since I last updated Whispered Screams, and I feel really bad. I can't say that it's felt like 5 months because I haven't had much of a life and way too many personal problems to focus on writing. But anyway... I never meant to take this long.
So, this weekend I cracked down on that chapter and I'm *almost* finished with it. If Asante hasn't forgotten about me, I'll beg her to beta the chapter for me and I'll upload it when it's done. I have a lot to do this week, but I'll do my best, I promise.
I really am so sorry ;__;
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